Bret: I want to buy you a little something

I am a reality TV junkie. (Yes, I know it's not real.) Yet, I am drawn to those shows like a moth to light.

As I watch women give Bret Michaels, of Poison, their love and affection (and then some) on Rock of Love, I wish someone would give him something he could really use. Something more helpful to him than a guitar or a new motorbike. I have the perfect gift in mind and, if I were on the show, already know how it would go down...

I'll walk into his room and he'll greet me, wearing jeans, a graphic tee, and a bandanna. He'll pull me close to him, and gesture for me to sit next to him on the bed. That's when I will turn to him, whispering sweetly, "I have something special for you."

As he looks into my eyes, his flowing blonde hair resting on his shoulders, I will snuggle closer and present him with my gift.

"That's just awesome!" he'll proclaim, as he pulls Roget's masterpiece from the wrapping that took me hours to get just right. "Thanks, this is just completely awesome!" Slowly, I'll put one arm around him and together, we will flip the pages of this most sacred tome--a thesaurus. Together, we'll enter communication bliss as we find synonyms galore.

And that, Bret Michaels, will not be "awesome," but rather "amazing," "astonishing," "breathtaking," or "magnificent."